Saturday, 30 March 2013

A Broken Halleluyah




They tell you that you’re strong and you’re intelligent and they look up to you but you wish they wouldn’t say any of those things. You just want them to take rose coloured glasses off and see that you are not as strong as they think you are. And you’ve done too many stupid things for you to think yourself an intelligent woman.
You have to pull yourself together
“You’ve got such a beautiful voice. Lovely tone! Absolutely lovely!”
You smile broadly and accept their compliment with as little distrust as you can. You can’t take an honest compliment. You can’t tell the difference between one that is and one that isn’t so you wear distrust around your heart. Nothing can get through distrust; not weakness and definitely not strength but it will do for now. You are responsible for more than the air you breathe and the body you are in now. You’re more than just a daughter, sister, and niece now you’re girlfriend, mommy, aunt, grandmother and people put a spotlight on you to watch every move you make so they can be like you but you wish they wouldn’t. You want to be led not to lead because you’re not sure you know the way.  You want to scream: I don’t have it all together. I don’t have this under control
“You need to keep your business private”
You long to help them see that you can’t. Because your mostly-sanguine heart is scared that if it keeps its affairs private, it will explode and you will disintegrate into nothingness. And you feel that the only reason you have a mouth is to use it to tell people about your mistakes, your strengths, your flaws, your perfections and imperfections so they don’t stare in disbelief when you fall apart. It’s a legitimate cry to help, for understanding, for forgiveness, for encouragement. You wear your heart on your sleeve, unapologetic because that’s where your heart has been since forever and you don’t know how to, cannot, put it in a cage.
You see the old man bent over down the street and your heart breaks and it keeps you up at night that people are hurting and that you cannot help all of them and that you cannot save all of them. Your heart breaks because women are being defiled against their wish to death, because children are ignoring their worn, dying old parents, because husbands are unfaithful, because wives don’t love themselves enough to take care of their own homes. You can’t find sleep because you cannot save the world even if you gave up your happiness, all of it.
“With your guy friends there is no drama”
You’ve said it a few times, you’ve had it said to you but now you know that none of it is true. None of it is true because you set yourself up for a nasty fall by spending so much time with your guy friends. Our gender may be worrisome sometimes but it is for us. There’s a reason everyone on the planet is not one gender each. It’s safer to bond over coffee with trusted women friends than spill your guts all over your guy friends’ shirts. You’re bound to be attracted when your guard is down and your heart is open and heaven knows you can do without the unnecessary drama





Then when you’ve had your hand in too many pies you fall before your Creator again and beg for mercy.

Again
And again
And again
And you cry because sometimes words are just not enough. Words cannot fully describe the depth of emotion you feel. You don’t even know what it is exactly that you feel
Self-loathing?
Envy?
Restlessness?
What is it you want? What are you looking for?
Your heart is looking for love and adventure and excitement and acceptance in all of the wrong places. And your heart is restless till it rests in The One.
And none of the things you spend more than half your existence chasing will ever satisfy you forever. So now you pray for rest. Pray for rest. Pray for resurrection too as you sit outside of the tomb tonight, as you keep vigil waiting to be resurrected with Him. But for now, you mourn the dead you and the dead Him. Wait…
It is darkest before dawn but Sunday comes. Resurrection comes.

“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5)




2 comments:

  1. Love Love this!!!!!! Its so complete.... For the ones in Him already finding a way and the ones Lost...amazing! Thank You!!!!!



    I can totally relate with (almost) everything written. Currently I'm about the "can't you see that I am not strong?, where do y'll see the stregth you talk about" *sigh*

    It will be well!


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  2. This is just beautiful! I honestly don't know what to say other than your writing touches my heart and I feel what you're feeling - so real, so honest. Thank you for expressing the emotions that grip you as you love your Lord.
    Beautiful and inspiring, just like you my friend!

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