Friday, 30 August 2013

It's okay to be open and being vulnerable is not a sin

To everyone who has asked how my weekend was or how I've been lately, my reply was "Crummy".
And for those that pressed on to ask, "What happened?" I always said, "Nothing major. I'll be fine."
I'm one to listen to friends tell me about crummy weekends and weeks and lives. I'll be there to give you good Christian advice and an overdose on hugs if you need me to but I bristle when people in my life try to do the listening for a change. I'm one to easily slap on a smile and a witty line in social gatherings, trying to make everyone feel better when on the inside my heart is sad and heavy. I'm dying to have someone listen to me but I will not summon the courage to tell a friend "I'm not okay." when they ask how I am. It just takes so much effort I'd rather wallow in my self-pity and whine to God and hope He reaches down from heaven and gives me what I want Himself. There's this thing in me that believes that I absolutely have to get my act together without sharing my struggles with anyone. Oh I'd tell you when God gives me an answer even if you didn't ask but I won't share the dark-tunnel experience with you if I had to die for it. It gets ugly before it becomes beautiful and it's darkest before morning but a huge part of me only wants to tell you about the beautiful and the mornings.
What I'm really  trying to say here is that being open and honest is hard. 
Only the strong can truly say how they feel when they feel it. 

Pastor Carlton had a word for me at church on Sunday. It wasn't the sermon because I wasn't paying attention to more than half of it. It was after a family shared their testimony about how God had used friends to take them out of a very dark place. Pastor Carlton said, "Sometimes God will not give you a private answer. He will use other people to get you answers to your prayers because we are not alone. We are members of a body." The tears filled my eyes so suddenly I had to stare uncomfortably at my chipped nail polish till the tears stopped forming and the lump in my throat was gone.

I believe God was trying to tell me that:
Sometimes He will answer my prayers through His body
It is okay to share my struggles with friends. 
It is okay to be open and being vulnerable is not a sin. 
There is nothing wrong with receiving love just as much as I give it.
I don't need to be a martyr and suffer in silence; Christ already did that for me.

So the next time a friend asks how I've been, I pray to God that I take the courage (that has been made available to me in Christ) and share my life with them openly and honestly.

Update: my girls(Kovie, Tomi and Moyin) and I got talking Monday night and were completely open with each other struggles. It was exhilarating to say the least

Has God been teaching you anything this past week that was mighty difficult to accept? I'd love for you to share it with me



2 comments:

  1. ::hugs:: It's not always easy but its worth it!
    I was the same way--always put on a smile and said "I'm fine". Then one day it was too much for me to keep inside and I confessed to my best friend that I was not fine. Took her by surprise a bit but we talked, cried, prayed and it helped me regain some of my strength!

    Be encouraged, sister!

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing that, Rachel! It means an awful lot to me

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