Saturday, 15 February 2014

When faith is hard

I think the worst kind of grief is the one you cannot explain. The worst kind of depression is the one you do not have a definite answer for when people ask, “Why are you depressed?”
It’s difficult because you cannot point to one thing and say to it, “This is why I'm depressed.” There’s no one cause; there’s just depression thick and heavy. I'm depressed doesn't mean I don’t find reasons to smile or laugh, I'm not suicidal or anything, it’s just my heart is more heavy than it is light. And I do not turn to anyone because I don’t want to burden them with my sadness, because I do not want to hear another dismal “You’ll be fine” or “don’t let this get you down” or even worse “it is well”. Depressed folk don’t want to hear that it will be well, they want “it” (whatever it is) to be well. Depression is not a mirage, it isn't hallucination that I can snap out of; it’s real, it’s tangible and it’s heavy. It is one layer upon another and another until it because a thick, hard shell/web and I cannot find my way out.

I feel like a fraud being all chirpy and happy all the time, saying my life is not perfect but acting like it is. It isn't. It’s hard and I don’t want any of it right now. I just really want to find peace. I can’t seem to find it in praying like I used to, I can’t seem to find it in journaling like I used to, I can’t find it in friends like I used to. I still believe strongly in God but right now hope is hard—faith is difficult. Now I'm weak and admitting that I am. I'm exhausted and vulnerable and sinking in gloom. I have been feeling this way for a while now, hiding it from everyone, trying to “snap out of it” but it hasn't been working. They say it’s a quarter-life crisis. Maybe it is, I don’t know. I just don’t want it any more. 

7 comments:

  1. I completely understand. Went through it myself...

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  2. I know this. I know this so well. The most frustrating part is not knowing the exact cause. It's like you've fallen in tar and can't get out. God dey. *hug*

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  3. Sending you a hug from far, far away. I'm in a bit of a slump myself.

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  4. Hey hun. I know how this feels. I've been here often enough. I understand the struggle not to stay there. I'm not going to say all the cliché things you don't want to hear... But be rest assured, I'm here ready to dish em out whenever you need me to(lol). Love you sweetie. This will pass (truth, not cliche). *huggsss*

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  5. This is a phase where alot of people have been... I don't want to say anything because I am sure you've heard it in all forms and formats.

    Like kov said "This too will pass" Believe that!
    *Hugs*

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  6. Sending you a great big hug!! We've all gone through it. Spend time with the things that make you happy. Don't apologize for feeling down, its okay. Keep focusing on God and you'll get past these feelings!

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  7. Eeek! You need a big, fat hug and someone who will spoil you silly with chocolates and let you goof around. Not around those who force you to wear a fake smile. Trust me, I've been there before and I hate hearing "It is well."

    Jesus loves you and your depressed self, Ibukun! And you haven't done anything wrong by feeling this way. Just know that Jesus loves you so much...and I care as well. Stay strong! :)

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