Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Excuse me while I have a crisis

If you've been following my blog for a length of time, you can easily spot the record highs and lows that have been my last few posts. One rollercoaster ride after the other and trust me, they have been less than pleasurable. I hate that I feel so alone and depressed more than half the time but I'm thankful for the times I could genuinely laugh and throw my head back. I've been feeling very at-home with Rihanna's What Now because the lyrics kinda describe the ickiness I feel. Ugh. I wouldn't blame anyone for not understanding me right now (I'm looking at you, Bankole) heck, I don't understand myself.
I wasn't going to confess this but yesterday, sunken to the very depths of it, I deleted my blog because I felt like a fraud. Like someone kidnapped the real Ibukun and replaced her with this self-destructive melancholy version of her. Really, I don't deserve any of the kind comments and hundreds of views I get on my posts. Sometimes I have to stop and say, "Wow, people actually read my blog!" It makes me stop in my tracks you actually come here over and over to read encouragement, to read real, messy life chronicles, to leave the kindest comments. It floors me and pushes me to keep blogging even when I just want to stop. Maybe I'm just like everyone else when I want to share only the happy and the good. Maybe I'm not the only one who prefers to hide her inward poverty and the messiness. Maybe. Maybe I'm not the only one who puts her life on the internet and expects someone else to be able to relate and find encouragement. Maybe I'm not the only one who needs to stop believing the devil's lies. Maybe I'm not the only one who seriously needs to move beyond what she feels and start believing that God is for her.

Listen, you may be mad at God for the depths of despair you feel or the trials you're going through. Go ahead and throw your tantrum, He can take it.
Unleash your ugliest cry-face, He can take it. He's collecting your tears in His bottle and holding it to His chest. Not one is lost.
No matter how alone you feel, you are not alone. He is with you.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed"
                                                                              - Psalm 34:18 
So when the tears choke you and that lump rises thick in your throat and threatens to embarrass you in public, focus on breathing: breathe in God's grace and breathe out His praise.Start a gratitude journal and record the small joys no matter how small. One baby step after the other. This song by Steve Curtis Chapman has been wrecking me in the best way. Hoping you find encouragement in it.

It's time for letting go
All of our if only's
'Cause we don't have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
'Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

There's only one who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go

Listen to your heartbeat


  1. Big hug baby..God is sure holding u no matter how unrealistic this looks. U might want to start a promise journal where u write out specific bible promises. Everytime I get into one of those moods, I just open it,read thru and get comforted by Abba's promises. God's got u by J.Moss is another song u might want to listen to.

  2. ((((hugggs))))

  3. Thank you for being real! We all walk around with our masks and at times that is the hardest thing to do. When we are real....others will see that we are genuine. God will use your honesty to reach others for HIM. You are loved, you are chosen, you are blessed and you are redeemed by your Heavenly Father!