Monday, 27 October 2014

What are your intentions? (On relationships and never settling)


I saw above photo in my Instagram feed one afternoon and people? Enitan Bereola speaks the truth.

I withdrew into my blogging shell to seek clarity, get closure and just generally figure a couple of things out. Relationships being one of them. As reassuring as it would be to go through life with a manual, I (as well as the rest of planet earth) have had to learn stuff 'on the job'. Today's post is one of them.



Please listen to me for a minute here: Before even thinking of getting into a relationship, define what YOU want in a relationship. Ask yourself why you want to get into a relationship. If the only reason you can come up with is that you're lonely or bored then a relationship is not for you right now.

What are your short term relationship goals? What are your long term relationship goals? If you are dating with marriage in view (which you should, anyway), what are you looking for in a marriage partner? What qualities would be desirable in the man/woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? These are pertinent questions you should ask yourself before even shopping for a relationship.


Ladies? Till he asks, you two are just friends. Gifts, dinner with a great view of the ocean, compliments, whatever don't mean anything till he vocally expresses his desire to be in a relationship with you. I don't care how often he calls to check on you, if he hasn't asked, he isn't your lover and you sure shouldn't treat him as such. Don't act like his girlfriend and you certainly should not act as his wife. When there's a guy you like, seems to like you back, buys you stuff, takes you out to dinner and gives you a lot of attention, you owe it to yourself to find out what it is he wants. Don't be afraid to ask: what are your intentions? If this question scares him away then good! You saved your time, energy and heart. We typically feel that if we let guys get a feel of how awesome we can be as girlfriends then they will "work up courage" to ask us out. I'm (not) sorry but if a car dealer lets me "test drive" a car everyday, I'm never going to pay for it.


I hear first hand stories of girls my age that are not even happy in their relationships and it breaks my heart. If you're more sad than happy, leave. There's too many mediocre things in life as is; love should never ever be one of them. Believe it or not, there's something better out there. Don't settle for someone you constantly need to fix or try to change and please don't look for Mr/Miss Perfect. Look for real. Look for dependable. And if real and dependable comes your way, don't turn them down because they aren't the Brad Pitt look alike you imagined.

While you're waiting (or searching), there's always new things to learn about yourself and life in general. There's new dimensions to knowing God, building friendships that will stand the test of time and investing in yourself.  I've put romantic interests on pedestals, I've let romantic interests put me on a pedestal. I've let relationships matter to me more than God so I'm not going to act like I have it all together but  I'm slowly learning these things.

Sorry not sorry, but if you're looking for a man to fill up the God-sized space in your heart, you will always be disappointed. That's expecting too much of a human just like yourself. I don't care how much he loves God and loves people, if he becomes the cornerstone of your life, when he falls short, the entire building will collapse. And, oh dear, it will be bloody. It also works the other way. Don't sit back and watch some guy place you on a pedestal because you clean up good on Sundays or because you lead Wednesday Bible study. You will fall short.

I don't know about you but take away my 21 year old body, 6-inch stilettos, make-up and fitness gear. Give me stretch marks, yesterday's mascara, a bigger dress size and a handful of kids, I still want to trust that everyday one man will choose to love me like Christ loves the church. And even if one day, God forbid, it happens that this man no longer wishes to be married to me or dies, I want to remain standing knowing full well my identity was never in said man to begin with.

THAT is the kind of woman I want to be.

Again I'll say this, there are too many mediocre things in this life but love should never ever be one of them. There's a love that won't make you feel insecure, insufficient. There's love that will make you constantly think up ways to selflessly give some of the love you're getting. There's love that is better and makes you do better. Wait for it.


No shade thrown whatsoever.

5 comments:

  1. I don't know about you but take away my 21 year old body, 6-inch stilettos, make-up and fitness gear. Give me stretch marks, yesterday's mascara, a bigger dress size and a handful of kids, I still want to trust that everyday one man will choose to love me like Christ loves the church. And even if one day, God forbid, it happens that this man no longer wishes to be married to me or dies, I want to remain standing knowing full well my identity was never in said man to begin with.

    THAT is the kind of woman I want to be."

    This is truth.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It'd be a blessing to get daily posts from you, I learn new things in everything You've talked about. I hope the rest of the world does too, because there's no better way of saying all You've said. Thank you and God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm glad this resonates with you

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello Tunde! You can subscribe to this blog here http://eepurl.com/DJEnv you're always welcome here and thank you for your kind words!

    ReplyDelete