Tuesday, 6 January 2015

When I have nothing inspiring for you to read


I didn't exactly plan to go off track with God. I know people say that a lot. That they never plan to.
You don't "plan" to do something like that. One day you just look back and realise you've been walking down the wrong road.



One day at a time, I decided to sleep in instead of spend time with God in prayer. My excuse used to be that I had exams and a project to finish but even after that when I had nothing to do but be present I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray and I didn't go to church.
The tiny decisions added up and somehow I'm here. One tiny decision after the other and I'm here. I haven't spoken to God in too long. It's worrying because I thought I could never go this long without my morning coffee, prayer, Jesus juice, Saturday worship team rehearsals, Sunday worship. I'm here actually going without those things. Not exactly alive, just numb and existing.

I hate it here in this place that I'm in because I don't like feeling numb. People meet me and ask me how I do it, how I manage to stay in tune with God, stay active at my church and play dress up for style posts on this blog. I usually smile and attempt modesty but the real answer is: I don't do anything. If you've put me on a pedestal can I just ask nicely here and now for you to take me off it? I'm a struggling girl who like you made resolutions to be more in tune with God. Because in truth, God is always speaking; I have just trained my ears not to listen. 

So forgive me for not writing anything spiritually uplifting lately. I haven't had anything to share because I haven't been learning anything new. I'm not going to sit and marinate in this bucket of self pity though. Baby steps. 10 minutes here and there just relearning prayer and quiet time is still soul food.
This is my reality and that's pretty much what's been going on here. I promised honesty when I started this blog so here it is. Your prayers are so welcome.

If you're in this weird place of uncertainty like me, don't sit and stay there. We're never too far from God/grace. He's one "hello, God" away.

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6 comments:

  1. E-hugs, milady! I understand your feeling. Just know that we have a God who doesn't respond to these feelings with a heavy hand of justice but one of love and patience. Bless your soul (and thanks for the honesty) :)

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  2. I admire your honesty milady.... I hope you find your way back to God.... Take care

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  3. Thank you, Maggie. Me and God are going on dates again and by the end of this week I will hopefully have your article ready and in your inbox. Thank you for you!

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  4. Thank you, Esther!

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I've been feeling so guilty and out of sorts.

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  6. Don't stay in guilt for too long. Confess to God, ask for forgiveness AND forgive yourself. Keep trying

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