Monday, 26 January 2015

I'm a christian but...

When satan cannot get a great sin in, he will let a little one in, like the thief who goes and finds shutters, all coated with iron and bolted inside. At last, he sees a little window in a chamber. He cannot get in, so he puts a little boy in, that he may go round and open the back door. So the devil always carries these little sins around with him to go and open back doors for him. 'O, it's just a little sin' we say. Yes, but how that little sin becomes the ruin of the entire man" 
- C Spurgeon

I remember reading Tomilola Escada's article on things that she struggles with as a Christian. I read it and I mentally gave her a pat on the back for being so brave. Hell, I was jealous she had the nerve to do what I was afraid of doing. She had the courage to share her struggles, to really share the stuff she was struggling with with other people and that's brave. There's a thin line between strip blogging and not putting all salacious details out there. Tomi walked it nicely.

This was a really difficult post for me to write because I don't know how to confess my shit to others. I have a hard time being human/vulnerable and no one ever knows what's really going on with me. But I really am tired of wilting away inside while looking bright and polished on the outside. I don't like who I am very much these days. I miss church but I haven't found the energy to be in it for about a month now. I miss God but I haven't yet found the words to say to Him yet. I'm depressed because I don't like who I have become. So I distract myself with inconsequential things: learning a new language, doing more yoga, doing my job, etc. But in the end at night when I'm all alone I'm stuck with the weight of my own guilt.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I'm a Christian but I struggle with lust and cussing. It's even a little hard to say that I struggle with these things when on some days I don't even struggle, I just go with it. I may or may not be carrying around a lot of condemnation/unforgiveness of myself so I feel the first step is confession. The Bible does say in James 5:16, "confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

So this is my confession, this is me giving myself permission to forgive myself and run right back to God whose forgiveness I already have. I still struggle with lust and cussing often. But I no longer wish to carry around unforgiveness of myself around in my heart.

This is also permission for you to share whatever it is you're dealing with with someone. We were never meant to walk through life alone. When you confess your sin to someone you can trust after confessing to God, I believe you have become accountable to someone. When there's someone you're accountable to, the devil has lost his hold on you.

Let's try this confession thing, shall we? What it is you struggle with most as a Christian?


  1. Even God knows the struggles we go through to stay true to him, yes he understands that I want to wake up every morning and pray for an hour and go to bed knowing i won a soul for him.... but it's difficult. I can't remember the last timei went to church willingly without grumbling, and yes i know he understands.... but if i were to be God would I understand?
    Thank you for introducing me to Tomisin's blog today, you have no idea what these two posts have awakened in me this morning

  2. First of all, thank you for reading my blog. That post was really led by the Holy Spirit and I am still in awe of how many lives it has touched.

    Secondly, you are just as brave my dear. I like the fact that you admitted that sometimes, you don't struggle but you give in. That is real bravery but my darling, please don't accept defeat. Recently, I was struggling with an essay in school and I kept telling God that I didn't understand IT. But Yesterday I took a step further, I told God I didn't understand it but I went to the library anyways and I went from not understanding it to writing over 1000 words on it.

    Why am I sharing this? Because Step 1 is admitting your struggles. Step 2 is overcoming it. Tell God you want to love church and then go to church with the mindset that you will. Tell God you curse a lot (I do too), then everytime you want to curse excercise self control believing that since the Holy Spirit lives in you, you have self control.. You didn't pick up these sins in one day and sometimes, it's not easy to let go of these sins in one day. It is a daily struggle but my love, you have to STRUGGLE.


  3. David I. Adeleke27 January 2015 at 05:28

    God bless you Ibukun. To be honest, I've been at my worst in the past few weeks. I've been angry with God, pushing Him away for no specific reason. I've had a torrid time, and honestly, things aren't looking up. Pray for me. Thanks for sharing your struggles :) |

  4. Hey love. I just wanted to share my own experience. I have been here before I literally didn't know what to do and I kept living in sin ans all I needed was someone to look at me and say Dolapo, just ask for God's forgiveness and return back to Christ. Another reason why I could do it myself was because I knew I was gonna return back to that sin and I was like when is the point of confessing this same sin all the time. But God is faithful. It was just the devil ploy to continue to drag me away from my saviour. Thank God for his mercies
    my advice is you should do a confesion to God every night before going to actually helps. Reading the bible also helps us to fight our battle. The Bible, the word of God is our weapon against the devil. Church will be beautiful aswell when you are iin tune with the holy spirit inside of you. The Bible recommends that we fellowship with brethrens. For me it makes me feel not alone in the world. Ok I should stop nw lol

  5. Awesome piece IBK. I guess we are on the same page on this

  6. I am a Christian but I struggle with procrastinating, being judgemental, studying my bible, and talking to people about Jesus. I sometimes intentionally say God instead of Jesus when I am talking about my faith like (God loves you, instead of Jesus loves you) . I feel like I am not qualified to share who Jesus is with other people, because I feel like i do not know him well enough.

  7. Hey Esther, thank you for dropping by and sharing some of your heart. I'm glad you're here

  8. Amen! And thank you for allowing the Holy Spirit use you. You've been a blessing in more ways than you are aware of.

  9. Praying for you and along with you, David.

  10. Taking your advice for sure, Dolapo. Thank you for sharing some of your heart!

  11. As long as you know that Jesus is the Son of God, came to die so that we can have salvation and that if we confess Him as Lord and Saviour we are saved, then you know enough about Jesus to tell people about Him. Don't let the devil tell you otherwise, Lanre

  12. I swear you just opened my inner diary with this one. Lust, profanity, anger, guilt. Sometimes I feel fake in church, or unworthy to sing when I'm in the choir. It's sometimes like the holy spirit just goes over my head and it upsets me. You're definitely not alone here and thank you for putting into words part of the weight that stays on my shoulder.

  13. I struggle with a lot. Profanity. Cussing. Lust. Procrastination. Reading my Bible. Going to church. Talking about God, Jesus and my faith. There's this constant cloud of unworthiness floating over my head. I feel like I'm hopeless and I'm being sucked deeper and deeper into a spiral where God won't even hear me or pull me out again.
    It's like whenever I come out, I fall right back in. And there's no hope or help in sight

  14. Trust me, I get the whole enchilada. MANY times, this is me you've just described. First, there is ALWAYS hope. There's no pit so deep that God's love cannot reach or pull us out of.
    I'd say the first thing to do (and I always tell you this) is talk to God. Initially you won't be able to find the words but that's okay. Just stay there and be awkward with God. He can take it. SURROUND yourself with people of faith.
    That said, we need to hang out this weekend.

  15. Honey, I didn't even scratch the surface but those are my "main" vices. Don't let the feeling of unworthiness keep you down. That's the devil trying to hold you back from all God has made you to be. The Holy Spirit convicts us but doesn't condemn us. Don't condemn yourself. If Jesus calls you redeemed, then you are REDEEMED.
    Thank you for coming out, you encourage me and I'm sure others reading this comment

  16. Thank you, Israel!

  17. Tosyn-lynn Japhet Alabi29 January 2015 at 02:27

    Oh this hits home, Lust is something I struggled with for yearsssss, but there's nothing God can't do. the first step is acknowledgement and then humility before God to do his will...I pray we all recieve the boldness to approach the throne of Grace and find mercy. I love you Ibukun. thank you for sharing. you are a blessing! hope to see you soon...

  18. Amen and thank you, Tosin :) We should see before you leave Naija

  19. I had to comment on this. I just wasn't satisfied with reading this post in my email. You're not alone, Ibukun.

    Like Tosin, I struggled a lot with lust sprinkled with bitterness and an active memory that chooses to err on the side of keeping wrongs. It takes the grace of God to overcome the former man, recognize the new you, and keep it nourished even during times when you feel like you're covered.

    Watch out for those times! But even when they come sneaking back, know that God's mercy is always refillable and His love will never run out on you! We will have slip ups, but we aren't back into the world like the enemy tries to make us believe. We just stubbed our toes against a stone.

    Oh, this hits home! I want to do something similar...thanks for being vulnerable once again!

  20. I was so sure I had replied this comment. I'm so sorry. Once again, thank you for being a safe "place" for me to be vulnerable, Maggie

  21. I used to have a great life with Christ, everything just seemed to fall in place and even when it didn't, I had this assurance in me that it was just a work-in-progress.

    I did everything to build my faith and belief in God from daily devotionals (had about two or three), to quiet time to attending services for women and for faith development to heading house fellowship to reading books on how to be a woman after God's heart (by Elizabeth George), fasting etc.

    But there came my downfall, you know when you're high up in the sky and someone bursts your bubble, you just fall and get crushed, yeah that was me.

    I struggled with unforgiveness for a while, I still think I do and I can completely understand what you're talking about/going through because that is where I am right now but in all I know His Grace is more than sufficient and He will lead me/us back into His loving arms, that's what makes me sleep at night.

    (Sorry for the long comment, lol)

  22. You are worth more than rubies...
    This is a beautiful confession and openness to God remaking you from the inside out. I would like to encourage you to pray, asking God to lead you to a church community of believers that will support you and that can care for you- from the inside out, and then take a chance and follow His lead. He promises us that if we ask He will gve us what we ask for in His name. Ask for His caring touch to guide you , your words, and your heart towards new life. Confessing online is a start, but no one is there to follow up. The computer screen is understanding, but only wants what you tell it. God will lead you to a community that wants His best for you. Confess to them and trust that He will take care of the rest- that's grace, right?
    You are fearfully and wonderfully made- be bold and ask boldly of your father who thinks about you more than their are grains of sand.
    God bless you Ibukun!

  23. Amal Bello Osagie31 August 2015 at 16:50

    im totally in love with your blog! everything i needed!